Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Of Sliding Tackles And Preventing Them

So, I saw this on Twitter

And these were my thoughts

Which led to some interesting conversations

So I thought a post would be a good idea.

See sliding tackle!
She would have sworn that her husband could never say those things to her. That's probably what hurts the most. Being blindsided.

We could focus on how evil he is, and how men are so and so, but that's not the point of this post. I'm not interested in him. I am interested in her. And myself. And you, reading this post.

How can we keep from being blindsided?

Ever so often, I speak to women (and sometimes men), who like this woman, are pained, disappointed, and shocked by betrayal. They never expected that their spouse would have an affair/be sexting with a colleague/expressing love for their ex/become verbally or emotionally abusive/*insert your own example here*. Even if they had had suspicions, the shock on actually finding evidence can be devastating.

Hearing of people who have had similar experiences, doesn't suffice as preparation for the shock. You see, these type of things aren't supposed to happen to people like us. They only happen to "those people", you know, the ones that are not as smart/sharp/educated/exposed as us. Those careless people, who didn't really pray before choosing a spouse, those sinners. Or those religious, holier-than-thou hypocrites, who are so out of touch with reality. Whichever applies.

Why is it so hard to acknowledge that anything can happen to anyone, ourselves inclusive? Like exploring worst case scenarios and doing a little more than saying "God forbid!" somehow puts a hex on our love?

Life happens.

But wait!
How can you say I should expect my partner to be evil?
What happened to expecting the best of people? Doesn't that show of a lack of faith in my partner.
Also, aren't we supposed to reject negative things and only expect positive things?
You know, speak in faith, calling things that be not as though they were, Hebrews 11 style.

Let me explain (before you bind me)

I am of the opinion that faith does not mean living in denial. Life happens and the many examples around us hold lessons if we care to pay attention.
I am making a case for being proactive. For taking precautions. Every time I put my seat belt on, I am preparing for a crash that might never happen. Yet, I put it on. I'm probably only doing it so I don't get written up by a cop, but still...

Like Proverbs 22:3 says,
A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.
Acknowledge the possibility of undesirable outcomes, and have honest conversations with your partner about these things. Especially if they haven't happened yet.

For example, couples drift apart. That's a fact of life. If you acknowledge that this is a possibility, you can talk about it. What are we doing to keep the fire burning? That seems to me like a better plan than saying "God forbid!" and "It is well", without actively working to keep it from happening.

You might also want to consider losing the "hmmm...see them! they couldn't make their marriage work!" attitude for a "there goes I, but for the grace of God" one, when you hear of other people's struggles. They, like you, had good intentions.

What if it has already happened?
What does a person whose partner insists on being with someone else do?
That's a whole different post.
Look out for it.

Thanks for coming by again and again.
May your dreams come true.


  1. You summed it up nicely by quoting Proverbs 22:3.

    In my opinion, one should not prepare for or predict such into their lives, that it is happening around others does not mean it would happen in ur own case. Psalm 91:7.

    In the case of the 41 year old whose husband told her such. I really don't think it came out of the blues just like that. She must have sensed his disapproval (we women are intuitive like that for sometime and perhaps didn't do anything about it becos he didn't mention. If u know ur husband likes u slim then try and keep fit and not turn into an image of 'monique's former self' becos u expect ur husband to understand and likewise the men also. We all need to be proactive in life and work continuously on our marriage to make it better rather than sit and think about reactive actions and options.

    1. "We all need to be proactive in life and work continuously on our marriage to make it better rather than sit and think about reactive actions and options."

      I couldn't have said it better. Thank you.

  2. I believe in what the bible says. And I know we can shape our future with our tongues. I have many scriptures to support that. We can create our future with our words. There's no way you create your future with your words, that your actions won't line up with it. Before I see it, I will speak it.

    1. Like you, Atilola, I believe in what the bible says.

      Jesus Himself said " In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world". In other words, things happen, but when you walk with me, I will help you overcome.

      Speaking positively to shape our future does not mean we should live in denial.

  3. Sorry I disagree. Christians are different from others. Yes, take precautions, plenty but don't expect evil.

    (I think)The only time a child of God will not get answers to prayers/ be in trouble/not overcome etc is when he is undergoing trial of faith. Any other time, we are meant to be on top.

    yes, happily ever after exists for Christians. There will be challenges but you will overcome compared to challenges overcoming sinners. God will take His glory if it is a true christian.

    Now if a christian* married man wants to leave his wife, HE IS GOING TO HELL. Period.

    So as a true christian wife, you are meant to uphold your husband spiritually. And vice versa for the man so nobody goes to hell cos that is forever and final, much more important than any worldly marriage.

    Life happens but not to an excellent christian man or woman.

    1. I did not say expect evil.

      I said acknowledge the fact that evil happens and prepare so that you can avoid it, and in the event that it happens anyway, you can mitigate the negative effects.

      I believe in happily ever after, and I am living mine. My desire is for others to live theirs too.

      I think it's funny that you think Being an "excellent christian man or woman" excludes you from life happening. The bible does not promise us that.

      Bad things happen to good people. I'm sure you know christians who have died in plane crashes and natural disasters. Are you suggesting that theses things happened to them because they were not "excellent christians"?

      If a christian married man or woman leaves their spouse, God will forgive them if they ask him for forgiveness. They won't go to hell if they repent. Like God will forgive you if you sin and ask for forgiveness, God will forgive everyone else. Yes, even those who committed adultery. And Murder. Yes, they will have to bear the consequences of their actions, but even then, God will help them if they ask for His help. That right there is what is called grace.

    2. If anybody purposely sins with the aim of taking advantage of grace or forgiveness, he wont be forgiven according to the bible.Thanks.One love.

    3. God is the owner of the keys to heaven not Gbemisoke.

    4. It seems to me that I may have angered you by daring to have beliefs that differ from yours.
      I did not write this post to impose my POV on everyone, but rather to document and share my thoughts, and get a chance to hear what others think. Of course, I could be wrong, seeing as I do not have the monopoly of knowledge.

      It's okay to disagree.

    5. "God is the owner of the keys to heaven not Gbemisoke."
      Erin pa mi o! I am crying real tears over here lmaoooo. This person is obviously the one in whose pocket God kept the keys to heaven!

  4. I think joy's point may have been on the insult the husband gave his wife and not the fact that he was no longer attracted to her. If I'm correct then I can understand how going around thinking "what if my husband insults me today? What if he insults me tomorrow?" May be counter productive

    1. Thanks, Naijawife.
      I totally get Joy's point. And yours too.

      Yes, walking around expecting insults from one's spouse can be counterproductive, but that is not what I am advocating. I'm simply saying that it is something that can happen. Not will. Can.

      Acknowledging that it can happen, we proactively work at it never becoming our own reality. I'll take that over saying God forbid! like this woman probably did too, and then getting blindsided if it does.

  5. Have you done a post on prenups yet?

    1. No I haven't. I should write one, but my knowledge of the legal parts is limited, hence my hesitation.

  6. We should stop living reactive lives and live proactive ones. Instead of waiting for something to happen then responding to it, we should take proactive control over our relationships. A relationship will not degenerate to the level like the writer is experiencing overnight. There must have been signs but because we are always sure it will not happen to us, we do nothing. Over flogging the issue that it would not happen to you, will not solve anything. Couples should embrace an intimate lifestyle in their relationships. Spend time to know that person you vowed to be with till death, because just like you he or she is still growing. Engage in state of the marriage discussions, both of you should be on the same page. Marriage is not 50-50, it is both of you putting in 100. The secret of change lies within each of us.

    Very interesting post as usual.

    1. "Marriage is not 50-50, it is both of you putting in 100." Yes! Thank you!

  7. Gbemisoke I LOVE your response.. And I agree with you.. It could be you, it could be me, it could be anybody.. For instance, Christians get ill too, Christians die young too, Christians have difficulties (many!) too.. Nobody wants that, but it happens!
    I believe that sometimes Christians (not all) don't put as much effort into life because we come under the 'God forbid' cover....
    Why do some non-christian marriages work so well? Because they work at it!
    There's definitely a HUGE part for God to play in our marriages (the main part actually) but there's also a part for us to play too..
    Prevent all these things from happening, be proactive.. In addition to praying do something too...
    I think your response is very very practical. It wasn't excusing the man's actions, you provoked a very important 'things to think about in or before marriage' and I think it would be wise to consider it from a practical point of view' for both men and women.

    1. "There's definitely a HUGE part for God to play in our marriages (the main part actually) but there's also a part for us to play too.."

      Couldn't have said it better. Thank you!

  8. I love your response and I totally agree with one plans to end their relationships, but then I guess we can always be prepared for the worse, which is what i believe a lot of people fail to do.

  9. Some people didn't get you, but I totally see the point you're making. It's about conversations, about talking things through. Unfortunately the default position for some is to bury their head in the sand.

  10. Hmmm....interesting topic and comments.

  11. I love that you brought this up, Gbemisoke. I believe anything can happen to anyone. As a Christian, I do believe the odds are in your favor of having a faithful husband when you enter into a marriage with a man that is led by God and has a desire to use your union to honor God (not everyone who says so is telling the truth).

    I also believe that if you get arrogant and start slacking when it comes to spiritually edifying your marriage and making your partner a priority, there's a good chance things will crumble - for Christians and unbelievers alike. And no, screaming "God forbid" does not guarantee the outcome you'd prefer.

  12. Your practicality says, that we should expect bad.

    Happy to inform you that you are wrong. The bible also says the expectation of the righteous shall not be cut short.

    Just because something bad happens should not mean that we should live with our hearts gripped with fear.

    What is marriage?
    Marriage is a covenant.

    What you are saying is just like saying Jesus saved our soul with the intention of letting us go to hell.
    The whole concept of faith is believing something that seems impossible. You don't need faith for the possible things.

    What I will just say to you is that it is better living by faith than living by your experience or your fears or your intelligence. Faith is not your experience or your fears.
    It is the substance of things hoped for. Go into marriage by faith because it is an institution created by God and sustained by God.

    Ask the 70 year old men, sex is overrated. Keep communication lines open with your husband and you will be fine.

  13. Gbemi please post more often. We miss you around here. pleeeeaaaase! Do you know what's up with Hazel? She hasn't dropped any post in forever. Blogsville isn't the same without you both.

  14. some reactions tho....
    people think some things will ever happen to them.
    until it happens.
    i think we need to broaden our perspectives sometimes.. in fact all the time.
    i got some interesting responses from my colleagues when i asked them the what will you do question...

    personally, ive seen this kinda scenario in real life between a "strong christian couple" and at some point even small me had to put mouth.

    it was almost unbelievable when it happened because they were both marriage counselors but it happened and we had to beg and help them fight for their marriage.

    christian or not.. we should always be prepared because life can throw anything at anyone at anytime.

    look at Job.

  15. Blessings...
    much of life is about choices, everyday we are with the same person is because we choose to stay until one day we choose to not stay. Her husband clearly doesn't love or care about her because humiliating and demoralizing her wouldn't have been his defense to his nasty behavior. for me there would have been no question because there was no way i can coexists and continue to cohabitate with a man who clearly doesn't care about my heart, mind or spirit. Bodies can be fixed with diet, exercise and proper nutrition willful unkindness and deliberate cruelty is a character trait, God don't love ugly and neither could I.


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