Monday, January 21, 2013

What Manner Of Dream Is This?

I had a dream.

Feels kinda weird, waking up on Martin Luther King Day, celebrating a guy whose dreams came to pass, while praying fervently that the dream I had does not come to pass. What manner of confusion is this???!! Sometimes I remember my dreams, sometimes I don't. This particular one, I remember very vividly and it scares me.

In the dream, I was pregnant and I went for an ultrasound that showed I was expecting twins. A boy and a girl. I wasn't upset, like I would be in real life if I found out that I was pregnant now. I was smiling and rubbing my huge round tummy, excited about it all and making a joke about how I said I didn't want any more kids and God laughed at me and gave me two.

I'm not smiling at all right now!!
This is not a joking matter and I need to put it out there, so the universe hears me! 


If you like, laugh at me. God is watching you in 3D. 
I want all those babies for everyone who is believing God for children, just not for me. I'm done!

Babies are great. I consider my children to be my biggest blessings and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I often think about how different my life would be without the responsibility of caring for Nathan, Alexis and David, and every single time, the organized chaos that my life has become wins. Everything I have had to give up pales in comparison to these blessings, especially because money cannot buy them. They are gifts and I consider myself privileged to be a co-creator with God, birthing not just one or two, but three amazing and beautiful children.
It gets overwhelming sometimes a lot of the time. I often think about renting them out, or donating them to charity, just so I can catch a break. They are my greatest stressors, simultaneously delighting and bugging my life. Just when I think they are settled in for the night and we can finally get some Daddy and Mummy time, one of them cries/ wants a drink of water/ has a tummy ache/ can't sleep/ wants a hug/ comes up with some other random reason to remind us that they run things in our home. One time, we had put them to bed and were watching a movie downstairs. Imagine my surprise, finding Alexis fast asleep on the stairs on my way to bed at midnight. I quickly took a picture before I carried her back to her bed. I have proof if she attempts to deny in future and you all are my witnesses :)
 I am convinced that they work for some top secret government agency as "Anti-Intimacy Agents"! Their sensors are CIA grade and I have nicknamed them Fire Extinguishers cos they stay trying to put out the fire of my love life. Try as they may, I shangree! God is on my side and I shall overcome! Did I hear you say AMEN?! Thank you jare! God bless you! ;)

There may be some Superhero mums who never get exhausted, are always smiling as they change diapers and are perfectly satisfied with their non-existent sex lives, but I am not one of them. I used to feel guilty about the negative emotions that I felt and I would never even admit them. I'm so over that. I've learned to acknowledge that those emotions are legitimate and they do not make me a bad mum. They make me human.

I've done my part of that "Be fruitful and multiply" scripture. I'm on the "Have dominion" part right now. Tonight, I'm dreaming another dream. There ain't no pregnancy making it into that one for sure! Amen!

Thanks for coming by again and again.
May your dreams come true!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Juggling Two Lovers: Steady Main Chick Vs Fleeting Side Chick.

It's a cold rainy morning and I don't feel like getting out of bed.
No, it's not the weather, I'm just moody.

I was going to grab my phone and get on Twitter, but then I thought, why not blog? It's been more than two months since my last post. Why?! Warrapened?!! How did my love for Blogger, my Steady Main Chick wax cold? How did Twitter the Fleeting Side Chick win?

Twitter is a safe place for me to vent. The feed back is instant, kind of like a sugar rush and there are loads of interesting/ funny/ crazy people on there, I've made some valuable connections, and I love it!

But it's fleeting.
There's often so much going on, and as I LOL and RT away, I find myself thinking about the need to document my thoughts. Sometimes, when I'm overwhelmed by the many thoughts in my head, I think about my mum and wish I could talk to her. Today, I struggled to remember some of the things she used to say and I thought, what if she wrote things down? What if she had a blog? What a treasure that would be!!

That's what this blog, My Place In Space is for. Chronicling my journey and documenting my life so I can map my trajectory. Someday, my children will wonder about me and if I'm not here, they'll read this. This is where I should be. So what's keeping me away?

Well, the thing about putting my thoughts here is that it feels somewhat permanent. Like, I'm sorta kinda blue right now, but it's only a matter of time before I put things in perspective and get over it. Spilling my guts might be therapeutic, but then, do I want the permanence writing brings?

Also, I want to be about love and light and "all things bright and beautiful". The news already has more than enough mood dampening material. There's no need to add to that and really, who cares?

Truth is, real life is not all sunny skies. There are up rainy days and cloudy days and while recording only the positive might help me to look back and stay thankful, it doesn't paint an accurate picture.

Do I want to be telling half truths, projecting a false image?
How do I balance my need to be authentic and real with the need to keep my business private?
I don't have the answers, but I'm sure I'll figure them out as I go along.

In one of my Psych courses, I learned about Memory Reconstruction. Simply put, our memories change over time and are affected by subsequent events. The human mind mixes events and fills in the gap, so when we try to recollect a memory, we often end up with a version that is different from actual events.

Writing things down helps keep memories intact and I'll keep that in mind when I make excuses not to document my thoughts and experiences.

The plan is to spend more time here this year, writing my stories and chronicling my journey. Looking back at how much I've evolved since I started blogging, and how you all who come here have enriched my life, I'm excited and I look forward to spending more time here, with my Steady Main Chick and all my family on this side.

Twitter, being the relentless Side Chick stays competing with Blogger for my attention but I have no plans of dumping her. I love my family on that side too, so I'll be juggling two lovers.

Can I successfully Juggle Twitter and Blogger without abandoning either?

Challenge Accepted!

It will be interesting to see how both families blend. I'm going to invite all of my Twitfam here and if you're part of this happy Blogfam already, you can join my Twitfam by following @Gbemisoke.
I look forward to sharing my journey with you and learning from you.

Thanks for coming by again and again.
May your dreams come true!